Worst Dates Ever

#1 - I was taking this girl to a Valentine Banquet so we were all dressed up and I had on some new dress shoes with leather soles. I was in a hurry to get her because I was running late so I forgot to "scuff" the bottoms up. During dinner it must have rained outside because the stairs were kinda wet. I slipped on the top of the stairs and reached out to keep my balance. I thought I had grabbed my dates shoulder. Turns out I ripped her dress top off and her bra as well. Nothing like flashing on the college campus ;-)

#2 - I took this other girl downtown to a bistro and all was going well until I decided I needed some fresh ground pepper on my dinner...apparently the grinder didn't work too well because like three bites later I swallow like 1/2 of one of those pepper balls...I hacked and hacked and my eyes teared up but I couldn't get it unstuck...I excused myself to the Men's room and tried to hack it up...my eyes were so teary I lost one of my contacts on the way to the restroom...finally I think the pepper had dissolved and I was able to go back but she had to drive my car because my vision sucks without my contacts...

JB

We met at a honky-tonk in a podunk town in east Texas. What a great start, huh? Exchanging phone numbers, we set a date to go C&W dancing in Dallas the following Wednesday. She was a real gorgeous knockout and a fantastic Texas Two-step couples country dancer and I couldn't wait to get to know her better.

Following her directions to her place to pick her up, I finally locate it - in a trailer park. Then it's a 45 minute drive into Dallas and the more we talk the more I realize that she is dumber than a box of rocks - honestly and totally really ditzy, unable to carry on any decent level of conversation above play-by-play analysis of last night's Wheel of Fortune show.

She had a lowcut back on her shirt and I could barely make out part of a tattoo. So I (trying to come up with SOME subject that she could follow and converse about) asked her what she had tattooed on her back. It was "Scratch". I asked "is that a nickname"? She replied "not really anymore". Here's her story: she was with a large group of friends playing pool and all of them had plenty to drink that night. She kept hitting the cue ball off the table and scratching so much that someone made the comment that she should be nicknamed "Scratch". You guessed it: they took a collection and she let it be tattooed on her that night!

So I stupidly asked her if she had anymore tattoos. She answered yes and - remember, this is our first date - promptly unfastens her seltbeat, hikes up in her seat, turns away from me, and pulls down her jeans to show me her tattoo on her hip/butt. I nearly rolled my Explorer in Dallas freeway traffic right then and there, LOL. You are absolutely NOT going to believe what the tattoo was: her ex-husband's name, spelled wrong. His name was Michael and while they were married she tried to get his name inked in large letters on her hip, but it started hurting her too badly and besides that, the "Tatoo Artist" was running out of room. So she told the "artist" that everyone called her husband "Mike" not "Michael" so just forget the rest of the name, get the tatooing over with, and shorten it to "Mike". Remember, she's laying face down and can't see what is going on back there. Well, the tattooer had already finished the first three letters of "Michael" so he simply finished with the final letter of "Mike" ("e"). She had "MICE" tattooed on her butt, LOL!

I noted that you could ink in a vertical bar touching the left of the "C" and almost make it into a decent "K" so I suggested why not try that? She said she didn't want any of his name on there anymore anyway so she wasn't adding anything to it. So I guess she still has MICE on there to this very day.

This was the highlight of our date and it went downhill after that, LOL. I never called her again but she continued to email me for a couple of months before giving up.

Gerald